For me, it used to be my career. Without going into detail, it was a public service type occupation where I could really help people. However, I was battling depression, anxiety, and addiction, and after being hospitalized and jailed multiple times, I lost that career. Even while I was going through all that dark stuff, I felt great at my job helping people, and I feel like I was good at it.
Now, I have a different career that I still feel good about doing, but I can never shake the feeling that I’ll somehow mess this one up too, eventually. My doctor told me I have to be active, so I took up longboarding. I still have bad depression with frequent bouts of suicidal thoughts, but when I’m on a bicycle or longboard, that’s the only time I feel really at peace with myself. I wish I could feel like that all the time.
Do you have things you do that make you feel like that? Like you’re really free?
For me it’s just living.
I know that sounds corny but I legit have no idea what the next day may bring or what I will learn within the next minute or two.
When I was in High School I used to joke about celebrating every day because I didn’t have HIV but as I look back on it I don’t think I was too far off, despite how shallow it was.
I could say my wife is the best thing (she is but that’s besides the point) and eventually I’d have to answer your question again if she’s not around while I am.
What makes my life worth living is the hope that something will change, doesn’t have to be good or bad, this is the only time I’ll get to experience this as far as I know.
I think this is a good way to look at it. I think of times when I thought nothing would ever get better, but then over time it did. It could get worse, too, but living to see what happens next…