For me, it used to be my career. Without going into detail, it was a public service type occupation where I could really help people. However, I was battling depression, anxiety, and addiction, and after being hospitalized and jailed multiple times, I lost that career. Even while I was going through all that dark stuff, I felt great at my job helping people, and I feel like I was good at it.
Now, I have a different career that I still feel good about doing, but I can never shake the feeling that I’ll somehow mess this one up too, eventually. My doctor told me I have to be active, so I took up longboarding. I still have bad depression with frequent bouts of suicidal thoughts, but when I’m on a bicycle or longboard, that’s the only time I feel really at peace with myself. I wish I could feel like that all the time.
Do you have things you do that make you feel like that? Like you’re really free?
The partnership shared with my spouse is the best thing about my life.
We never run out of engaging conversations or fun, we carry each other through the hard times, equally share household responsibility, and we trust each other enough to be fully transparent with our humanity. We share a daily priority of mutual care. I think this is what Le Guin meant by “the bond” in The Dispossessed.
Like something out of a fairytale, my spouse has been an unwavering bastion of support since we started dating in high school. They held my hand through my dad’s terminal illness and death in the first three months and helped me survive a year of abuse after that. When I transitioned a year after marrying, they came out as bi. They’ve never complained about weathering through all of the cPTSD baggage. Heck, their love and support rehabilitated me. They see my neurodivergence as a feature rather than a bug.
I’m so fortunate and grateful to live this life with them. Every day is a gift.
I’ve been with my husband since 2010, so I know what you mean. He also has PTSD. I feel like we’re good for each other. We understand each other.